Everyone

 So 'everyone' was asked but when I said I hadn't been asked, it appears I'm not 'everyone'. Should it hurt that 'everyone' doesn't even include me? 

Special Days

Perhaps it's part of adulting. I dread my birthdays and Mother's Days nowadays. To celebrate how I really want to be appreciated, all I would like is to be left alone, for Hubby to joyfully take kids out for special day and really enjoy spending time with them, and for all chores to be taken care of. 

Kids want to make it special for me. And I love that they want to show it in their way. Which means baking me a cake or cooking for me. But there's all the mess after that. They do try to clean up and they get better. But they often miss. And instead of shouting at them, I try to encourage their good intentions and gently remind them to clean up what they've missed. If it was someone else's special day, I would be working with them to help them bake or cook, and help to clean up so it's not left for the special person to do. But no one else takes this from me on my supposed special days, so ho hum I'll do it and it's difficult on days people wish me to have an amazing day etc.

I try to look at it as opportunities I get to spend time with the kids. Look at their good intentions. But I'm tired. I'm tired of organising things for everyone all the time. I'm tired of being the peacemaker. I'm tired of trying to preempt possible tension. I'm tired of being expected to deal with everyone's complaints. I'm tired of the kids being blamed. I'm tired of high expectations on the kids when the same expectations are not made of adults. I'm tired of having to make sure everyone else is ok. I'm tired of making sure others have presents of the right amount / are happy / feel well taken care of. I'm tired. 

I sometimes go down the 'unfair' route. Why it's unfair that I have to deal with this. And that can be a rabbit hole of no return. It's been better. I don't go down this rabbit hole as much anymore. And I remember to stop myself before it goes too far. But it still happens. I try to remember that I am to be Christ-like and these are just small matters. The important thing is to model Christ and pray that this reflect His goodness to others. 

So in Him, I continue to trust. In Him, I continue to complain to, knowing He will listen and He understands and He will lovingly rebuke me when it's right. 

While wishes come in for me to have a fab / great / amazing day (which I say to others too), I just smile and say thank you. 

Who You Choose to be Around Matters

It's important to choose who you are around. Previously thought it's important to wisely choose who you're around based on how you feel around them. Not saying that's not still valid. 

Recently, just turned it around the other way and realised it's also important to be around those who are genuinely happy to be around you. Some just can't be bothered to be with you. Some just aren't happy to be around you. 

I'm now no longer the insecure person I used to be. I hang on tight to knowing that only His opinion matter. I don't think I'm arrogant. I don't go out of my way to be rude. I do try to still be friendly and approachable. But I don't get upset if someone ignores me simply because I don't have the required title. Those are superficially temporal things. I am blessed to be His child and I am so thankful that this can't be taken away from me.

When it's close to home though, I can't brush it away so easily. I admit that it hurts. I keep reminding myself that He has a purpose for this. What is it? I do not yet know. But I continue to remind myself to be thankful for the bountiful blessings I already have. The biggest of which is to be able to go to Him and lay these all at His feet at any time.  

Cherish

 

cherish

/ˈtʃɛrɪʃ/

Learn to pronounce

verb

verb: cherish; 3rd person present: cherishes; past tense: cherished; past participle: cherished; gerund or present participle: cherishing

1. protect and care for (someone) lovingly.

   "he needed a woman he could cherish"

   Similar:

   adore

   hold dear

   love

   care very much for

   feel great affection for

   dote on

   be devoted to

   revere

   esteem

   admire

   appreciate

   think the world of

   set great store by

   hold in high esteem

   care for

   look after

   tend

   protect

   preserve

   shelter

   keep safe

   support

   nurture

   cosset

   indulge

   put on a pedestal

   • hold (something) dear.

     "I cherish the letters she wrote"

     Similar:

     treasure

     prize

     value highly

     hold dear

     Opposite:

     neglect
   • keep (a hope or ambition) in one's mind.

     "he had long cherished a secret fantasy about his future"

     Similar:

I've been fortunate to be in a job that I can more or less fit around the kids' school pick-ups/drop-offs and activities. It's the first job I've had that was not based on my own merit. I guess that is a bit of a bugbear for me, as I prided on being on assignments or jobs because of what I can do. This one's a bit different but I've always focused on being grateful for the fact that I do have a job and that it suits what I want for now. No more high flying career, but that's a conscious decision on my part. And I should add, I am thankful that we are also blessed to be more or less financially stable that I don't need to have all these other factors to consider in getting a job.

Because it's in an industry I'm not familiar with, in a country where I have had no prior working experience in, coupled with fact that this job was not on my own merit of the same factors, I find myself not only working harder to understand things but also working more to try to prove myself. I don't mind the hard work, despite sometimes the lack of respect I sometimes feel others have for me. However, I keep telling myself that I am working for a higher boss and I just need to explain myself to Him. 

What I find difficult is the double standards. I've got to make sure that others feel supported, cared, listened to. I get told about needing to lift the staff morale. I plan meals around supermarket offers and minimise buying things for myself and the kids, so that we stick to our budget and can save, only for savings to go towards 'rewarding' staff unnecessarily. I get almost immediate negative feedback when I do something wrong (fair enough) whilst others get 'thank you' for merely doing their job but no such thank you for when I frequently do more than my role. 

I don't agree with covering for others when they do short cuts or are lazy. I take issue when my kids are held to a higher standard than 40+ year olds who should know better about patience and doing work with pride. I've often felt I'm not that high in priorities in most circumstances, but it really hurts when I see the kids treated the same. It's tiring. It's emotionally draining. 

Important to be Refilled

 More and more, I realise the importance of refilling others with kindness. It's not nice to have the positive in you drained out. Don't belittle others. Most thoughts count - maybe not to you, but to the person who said it. Yes, it can often be said better but so can the feedback. Don't discount other people's experiences too. Don't think it's never good 'enough' for you or it's 'not the same' as what you're talking about.

Emotional tiredness is a lot more draining than physical tiredness.

Let me make decisions myself

Why do people insist on imparting their (ok, well intentioned) advice? I appreciate all the well-meaning but I am of the firm opinion that these more often than not handicaps people. To the point where they cannot make their own decisions. Please leave me alone. Please let me make my own decisions. If I need advice, I will ask. My pride does not get in the way, honest, I will ask.

If I've made my decision and it's not one that harms anyone, please do not ask why, where, when, how, what. Please accept it. No sarky remarks need to be given either. If I've not made my decision, then please do not keep pushing it.

I pray for God's guidance in all my decisions, and that He will put the right people there to guide me in the right way.

I need to know

I have been wondering for many years now what God has in store for me. I may be blind and deaf as I am still wondering. What is it that God wants me to do? Maybe I don't know how to hear properly. Maybe that's it - I have to learn better there.

I'm getting disillusioned and unmotivated. Before this impacts significantly on my life and also before it becomes ungodly, I really need to know. Should I just leave? Should I do something else? Should I have a different direction? I really don't know. And I really need to know.

Why do people talk in codes?

"Erm, did that person...what's his name...we met him yesterday....get back to you about putting that thing on the cabinet..." What person? What thing? Why don't people think before they say something? Pure laziness. You've already got someone's attention so speak properly. That sentence just said makes no sense whatsoever and leaves the other person wondering what it was all about in the first place. Better not to have said anything at all.

As the saying goes "If you don't have anything nice to say, don't say anything at all" and in this case "If you don't have anything new and relevant to add, don't say anything at all". The amount of times (which funnily has increased tremendously since moving countries) when people open their mouths for the sheer sake of it has astounded me. They have more or less repeated the same thing someone else has said a few minutes ago or feels the need to hear their own voice or remind other people they're still there. Waste of time.

Sounds Easy

I'm wondering what to do. Wondering what I can do. It sounds so easy. Understand what you are good at, what you are bad at, what you are passionate about and make it your job. Hmm....

I wish I knew. People have told me what I'm good at. Even more have told me what I'm bad at. :) Not really sure what I'm passionate about. I'm more of a jack-of-all-trades, master-of-none. Can I make a living out of that? I really don't know.

I've toyed with the idea of this years ago but I was very happy in what I was doing and could see all the things I was learning. There was no point getting out of it. I'm now thinking about this idea a lot more seriously. Like several times a day sometimes, which can be very negative and obsessive! What I need to figure out is what I should do instead. I know what I want and what I don't want. I just need to find out what I can do to make it all happen and the right time for all this to happen.

Sounds easy but it's not! It's been stumping me for ages!